I left Nipton at around 3am and drove to Primm to sleep in the car until 5:30am. I knew I couldn’t even think of doing this crazy challenge without help, and luckily my partner in life 😉 Brandon was more than willing to provide support in this part of the weekend. Having not managed to eat or drink following stomach issues I gingerly ordered hot chocolate and oatmeal from Starbucks while Brandon loaded up on a Venti extra everything coffee! I closed my eyes slot of the way but couldn’t fall asleep. I would ramble about the race and then fade off for a while before eventually just turning up some music and amping up for the day. We arrived in big bear and I signed up. I was eager to try and continue hydration so I sat behind the sunshade in the car sipping on water and a rockstar evergy drink. The race started up on 2N10, a dirt road ‘an easy 10minute ride’ from snow summit. An easy ride, my arse. I kept in a low gear climbing up to the top.
I got to the start line with around 10mins to spare. The girls around me looked strong and ready for the day. I looked like death. A girl in a Velo Hanger kit rolled up beside me. I knew her! I had raced with her at a stage race earlier in the season and boy was she strong!!! Another couple familiar faces rolled up and I knew I was in trouble. These girls are good!
At this point considering the race the day before, there was nothing left but to enjoy it. At least that’s what Brandon said. Although he and I both knew that once the gun went off I would undoubtedly be giving it my best.
We were off. Our field raced forward and soon the likely contenders were all at the front pushing up the climb. I kept true to my legs and myself and didn’t get excited. Slowly I inched passed one then one more until it was just me and Katie (the VH badass!). We to’d and fro’d between 1st and 2nd position. Knowing we were all cat 2 but not knowing age groups she called forward at one point as I’d got in front, “WHAT AGE GROUP ARE YOU?”, I replied “19-29!”, she laughed, “THEN THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!!”. I smiled too and it was on!!!!
We continued back and forth, she took me on a couple climbs but I kept her in my sights, mindful of the pack behind us too. We turned onto a single track and I was grateful of my fast and furious training on narrow trails in Las Vegas. I saw an opportunity to jump in front of her and I bolted! Suddenly adrenaline kicking in, I was sharp and thrashing into corners and descents. Of course, courteous to much faster guys who would catch me on these descents, “RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT” I would shout, aware they were close and signaling to pass by.
I glanced at my watch, 16.5miles. Only 0.5 to go. I glanced behind, no sign of any girls! But it’s not over til it’s over! Glanced again, 17miles…did I miss the turn? Am I on the right course? DROP! Big boulder drop out of nowhere. ‘Ok, focus and trust that you’re going the right way!’
Soon the crowds started emerging. The final turn and I crossed the line. 1st. Bloody 1st!!! I could hardly believe it! I was elated. Katie came in 2:30 after me and we commended each other on a true race.
This weekend showed me that I could achieve seemingly unattainable things, but I could do it with power, speed and heart. This was the confidence booster I needed to get right back into Ironman training. And with that being said the countdown is on.
Thank you to everyone for the support and for the encouragement to follow my dreams. I won’t let you down.
Not even 2weeks ago I received a message from AJ Mesalic via Facebook, asking me to fill a spot in their team in the Mohave Death Race. Someone had had to pull out at last minute and it was crunch time. I did a bit of research and was inundated with info about the race from AJ, and it really looked quite rediculous. 280 mile relay race across the Mohave Desert in summer, comprising 24 legs of road bike, mountain bike, road run and trail run. Being an endurance junkie and loving a good challenge I was definitely intrigued. I only had one problem: the next day was the next round of the Kenda Cup West in Big Bear, and I was so eager to gain some points in the series standing after winning my first race in Bonelli park. So I asked him. Logistically, disregarding the lack of sleep and recovery, would it be possible to finish one and be in big bear to race on Sunday… AJ seemed confident we could be finished by 5am. Providing I could ask someone to drive me to big bear and back it wAs definitely plausible… I WAS IN!
Friday night I drove to Nipton, CA where the race would begin and finish. I met my team (most of which for the first time!), AJ and Ashley who I knew through the local triathlon scene, Kas, a crazy great climber with Mcghies/Mandalay bay cycling team, Ryan and Chris who are both incredible seemingly effortless runners and Patrick a fearless mountain biker AND roadie. Our team was completed by Carrie, Kas’ wife who drove one of our vehicles, provided constant support and who spent her entire Friday creating an entire cooler full of Feedzone Portables which kept us fueled through the entire event.
After sleeping in our pretty glamorous 8 person tent, complete with noisy freight trains passing through the night I woke bleary eyed but altogether quite excited for the adventure that lay ahead. The year before the competition had been tight with only 80seconds between 1st and 2nd place! The theme of the day was to never let our ego get the better of us, never give up, keep pushing until it’s over.
The race was soon underway and the first leg runners took off at an incredible rate! We hurried to our next check points and strategised as we went: who would run support, who would get the next athlete to their next checkpoint…
By the time it came to my first leg we were in the lead. Ashley had started us off in a strong position with Kas taking the lead in the second leg. Ryan and Chris blasted through their first legs, leaving Patrick to ride like the wind to me. My first leg was an 11.6mile uphill road bike, and it was already HOT! I was warned of the several false summits that I would encounter so I kept my head down and kept grinding upward. Man, the pressure of leading with 19teams chasing you down is no joke!
The temperature was now well above 100degrees Fahrenheit and in the Mohave Desert there is no hiding from it. Kas rode the 34mile leg with an incredible amount of climbing in the heat of the day, we did what we could to support him with hydration and cooling but it was brutal! His leg was followed by an equally grueling 9mile uphill run in one straight line. Ryan took on this one and I don’t even know how he physically pushed so hard but I was in awe! Ryan handed the baton to me in my unsupported mountain bike leg and all I could do was think how hard everyone was already pushing, I couldn’t let them down now! My own goal was to try and finish the leg as much as I could before the next athlete started…I powered so hard through that bike finishing in just under 30minutes and a full 30mins at least before the next athlete could set off! At this point it would have been easy to become complacent but no one even considered this an option!
We pushed on.
My next leg was a 7.8 mile undulating trail run. This started well, the sun was finally starting to go down and I felt like the worst was done..how wrong I was. I started to get a stitch about 5 miles in but all I could do was stop, breathe and push on. My teammates gave support from the team van and encouraged me to slow down the pace, well I couldn’t do that! Not now! I finished my leg having run at a 7 minute pace, but my stomach was flipping. I got in the car and things went from bad to worse. I couldn’t bare to eat or drink anything and I was sure this was going to be my low point in the race… And low it was.
I had a bit of time before my next and final leg. I focussed on nothing more than being still, trying to get the minimum fluid into me and of course supporting our athletes on during these dark hours. With less than 35miles left in the whole race, I was up. A 4.8 mile run in the dark along a rutted dirt road. I ran like everyone was chasing me…because they were. I ran for my teammates who had busted themselves all day long, who I had supported and who had supported me along the marvellous adventure. I ran and ran until I started to feel a pain in my side again. I drastically slowed down. The support vehicle pulled up beside me and Patrick called out to me “I hope you’re having fun! This is it! Enjoy it!” I turned to him and smiled. This guy knew how to pull me out of the darkness I slipped into and once again I was flying! I created over the hill and saw the lights of Primm, the shine of the solar panel fields and in the distance my home, Las Vegas. I threw my arms up in the air and continued flying down the hill. My elation was met by distant cheers in the distance behind me from the support vehicle. I handed over to Ashley and my work was done. The support van pulled up next to me and we all smiled. This had been a day like no other, an adventure like no other. Starting the day barely knowing one another’s names to becoming each other’s closest support crew.
I went on to Nipton, giving Kas a vote of support on the way and went about getting ready to make a dash out of there after the finish. After all, this was still just part one.
Kas crossed the line around 2:20am. We had finished with around a 2hour lead on our competitors, but I was filled with nothing but admiration for every single participant and volunteer who made that event what it was. We all suffered and we all loved it. This is what we live for, what we thrive, the challenge…and it was beautiful!
As an invitational only race I knew this would be certainly the toughest race of the year so far. In Triathlon you often race against your ‘age group’ however this was a flat out race against the best amateur triathletes in the USA. Current and former national champions, triathlete of the year, long course national champion…this race had them. It was a small but incredibly stacked field. My biggest fear…making a complete embarrassment of myself, letting down everyone who has supported me in getting here. As a relatively last minute race, my coach Jeremy Wallace wasnt sure it was the best decision to go – I had just come away from racing 4 out of 5 weekends in May including a half ironman (2nd), state TT championship (1st), Devlees Road Race (2nd) and Sand hollow sprint triathlon (1st). Our focus was supposed to be shifting towards prep for Ironman 70.3 Worlds in September. Nevertheless, with support from the awesome people at Bike Shop Henderson I found myself able to travel to Minnesota for this prestigious event. Eyeing up the competition at the ‘Meet n Greet’ on Saturday was pretty nerve racking but by this point I had shifted my focus to concentrating on my performance – the result had to be secondary.
Sunday morning, 9am, GO TIME. With the males and females headed off together I was prepared for a swift wallop over the heed or two but luckily actually managed to sprint out with the pack. For the first time I was able to settle in and draft for the most part. At the turnaround for the second loop I received an elbow to the eye, knocking my goggles off. Quickly repositioning them I continued but the damage was done, goggles filled with water on one side and foggy on the other…now i was drafting out of necessity, i couldnt see a bloody thing. I was relieved to finish the swim 9th with 19:37.
I transitioned somewhat quickly onto the bike and set off at a decent pace. The 3-loop course had a smooth section with a couple hills and then familiar potholes/cracks from weathered tarmac – havent dealt much with that living in Vegas mind you! The bike was strong although my quads were burning. I was spurred on each lap by my fellow Nevada representative Chris Fetter as he passed in the opposite direction, cheering/yelling at me I finished the bike in 1:05:32
Onto the “flat” run course, two laps around lake Phalen. This mostly flat course had a few little kickers in it to make things interesting. My run was fairly solid, my legs felt good, turning over well….and then it began…the stitch. That bloody stitch. I had to stop I think 4 times overall, each time glancing behind knowing I’d passed a couple people but with others hot on my heels. I was able to keep a strong pace, telling myself to relax as much as possible. As I was nearing the final mile, the rain started to spit, and then it increased intensity. It was beautiful. I crossed the line with a 41:28 split and a total time of 2:08:10. The rain was bucketing down, echoed in the distance by the rolling thunder. A perfect finish.
I finished 5th place of the women and was/am delighted with a solid race. This race gave me so much: opportunity, new friends, new opponents, fire, passion and drive to get back to training better than ever. The race organisers Trudy and Jerry were unbelievable – a true credit to our sport.
Thanks to Chris Thornham for wheel support. I rode with the Flo disc and Flo 90 on the front. Now THAT’s a fast set-up!
Thanks to Terry at the Bike shop for all his help and support, couldnt have done it without you dude!
Thank you Chris Fetter for all your help and support – you’re pretty awesome…like a ‘Ken doll’
Congrats to Dani Fischer of Wisconsin who killed the competition. This girl is one to watch
On to the next one…
This race has been my main focus for the last 6 months at least and so I was excited for race day but also keen to enjoy it for every single mile despite how difficult I knew it would get. I travelled up with Leta Rose on the Thursday who was the perfect travel and race partner for this trip – we both had business to take care of! Unfortunately my order of LG gels had not arrived in time and my plan B for nutrition, in hindsight, sucked. Nevertheless I went into the race knowing that training wise I’d done all I could.
The swim was not nearly as cold as I thought it would be and with a calm deep water start we got underway. I couldnt find someone to draft from but was aware of someone drafting my feet almost the entire swim. On the second turn where we head back to the shore I was feeling very dizzy and almost seasick – Im still not sure why. With a couple hundred metres to go this girl who had been drafting swam on my hip, we then get out at the same time where she thanked me for the pull….
On to the bike I felt good, nice and strong. There are many long climbs on this course but plenty room to settle into a rhythm and really work. I felt really good and continued to power through until my energy started fading around mile 30. I had a couple GU gels on the bike and water but my tank was getting low. Snow canyon although beautiful…was brutal! The most inspiring thing however are the signs that the locals of st george put up through snow canyon to motivate you…”Remember that guy that gave up? Yeah nobody else does either”.
I completed the bike and headed out on the run feeling strong tapping into new muscles and into a groove. I stayed pretty strong up the initial ascents and through mile 4, after this it started to go downhill, and not in a good way. My tank was cursing at me by this point, I was starting to get a stitch, my legs were heavy and I pee’d my pants…whilst running..although somewhat intentional…yeah I never said Triathlon was glamourous…
I had maybe thought I was leading my age group until this point but at that moment a girl passed me on her way back, one mile ahead of me and in my age group. I think mentally I started to doubt myself; everything was getting so difficult. Shortly after the turnaround this gazelle-like avatar girl from my age group ran past me…why arent my legs a little longer. I got to about mile 9 and consumed my last gel with a splash of cola and water. At this moment the girl who beat me to second by less than one minute last year, overtook me. I couldnt let this happen again! I stayed tucked in behind her and just built up all my mental motivation – “there are only 4 miles left then it will be over…suck it up princess”. I gradually let mind take over and we both picked up the pace. We passed the gazelle who looked like she was hurting and continued downhill, I slowly overtook her but maintained the downhill pace. I kept running and although I could no longer hear her footsteps I didn’t dare turn around until I had one mile left. I could see her but as long as I kept that pace I was good – but the pace was HARD! I gave it my all and it paid off. I maintained 2nd place in my age group, 8th amateur female overall and qualified for the World Championships for Ironman 70.3 in Canada! Despite a nutrition disaster I PR’d by 5minutes on last years time so I’ll take that.
Time to eat, relax and do a few bike races before settling back in to 70.3 training.
Nutrition 5xGU gels, 2xLG gels, water, cola
I write this post as a ‘return’ if you will to my blog that I have failed to update for the longest time. It subsequently times in with the start of training regularly again, hence the double meaning of ‘back in the saddle’…. ok Ive been away but my jokes/puns are still terrible.
I feel as if I’ve been on a rollercoaster lately. Not a rollercoaster in fact…a runaway train….wallace and gromit style, whereI’m frantically trying to lay new track before I crash or completely go off the rails. They say there are certain things in life that evoke a higher stress level; I thought I’d left that in 2012 when I left home, moved halfway across the world to a place I didn’t know. Well this year I bought a house. The entire process was and continues to be stressful! From the very first moments with frantic texts and phone calls between my realtor and friend Scott Beaudry of Universal Realty, Las Vegas, to signing a mortgage, to renovating from top to bottom on my own (with a little help from my friends), to moving, to turning a house into a home… It seems the work is never done and there will always be a ‘project’ to be done, but as so many people have told me:
“Welcome to the world of being a home-owner”. Brilliant.
However, leading up to Thanksgiving this Thursday I really feel extremely thankful for the wonderful people who have helped me to this point, who give me those extra pieces of track and who help to slow me down and realise, “there will be tomorrow”.
So as I continue to finish these little DIY projects, try and ignore that my heating doesnt work (I figure Im saving money so it wont hurt…) and try desperately to relax, slowing this train down to a manageable velocity, I should say that I am thankful for my health, a roof over my head and the love and support from my global family.
I hope that each day at some point you can take a minute and acknowledge something that is positive in your life or that you are thankful for
Off to jump on my bike for some power and pain
It’s good to be back
Swim Bike Run Believe
Starting again sucks but sometimes is necessary for you to develop, move on and grow. Doesn’t get any easier the more you have to do it. But have faith and believe in your own strength to overcome whatever hurdles come your way. Here’s a song I wrote that kind of describes this bittersweet moment of realisation and acceptance. Interpret it as you may, but I hope you enjoy it.
Click on either link above (one is a download link!) or search the sidebar music links for “Starting all over again”
Long before the sun is rising in the sky, while children lay tucked up in bed, couples snuggle in close, as the vegas strip begins to dwindle into submission, the age-group athlete awakens to an early morning alarm calling her into action. Scantily clad in lycra she begins her routine by initiating a workout, fine tuning her body to churn out intervals, increasing power output and V02max. She sweats, aches, and digs deep into the hurt locker, hungry for change, hungry to make a difference and to become the ultimate machine. With the workout coming to an end, she smiles, satisfied with the effort and work applied, but then begins her transformation back to her mere mortal self. A shower, change of clothes, breakfast and a coffee and she heads out into the world; the 9 to 5 grind, her ‘normal’ life. She enters work and begins her ‘normal’ day, unbeknown to her colleagues the secret hurt locker session she experienced just a couple hours prior. To the world, during the day, she is a healthcare professional. Once her day is by with and she is finished with the niceties of her day-to-day employment, she heads once again back to that hurt locker to suffer in silence, pushing, grinding, hurting, trying, believing…thats it…believing. And so it goes, a ‘double-life’; from the 9-5 routine to scantily clad exercise in an entirely different sort of uniform. Each day she puts in the work with no immediate reward or return on effort. Each day pounding away in the hope that one day she will be needed. But superheroes don’t wait around hoping to be needed, they ARE needed; they are needed to instil hope, faith and belief in others that they too can change, better themselves or achieve seemingly impossible goals. And what better way to enforce this than race day.
Along the course she digs deep into her inner superhero to find the strength, mental power and focus and determination to guide her through the course. Donning her team kit, she resembles not the day to day mere mortal, but an athlete. Acknowledging volunteers for their efforts, she hopes to show them how much they are valued and instills self-worth and gratification. Taking in the crowds of spectators, giving a knowing nod of appreciation for their cheers, she knows that that simple human gesture acts as a reminder that she is still human and that they could do what she is doing. She hopes to empower and motivate with her work. On the way back to her car still dressed in her ‘superhero’ attire, a new athlete congratulates her, however she will not pursue a conversation of self-appraisal but instead shows her admiration and interest into this new athlete, providing encouragement for future events and to continue this lifestyle of healthiness and happiness.
It may all sound ridiculous, but sometimes we age-group athletes need to take a little more comfort in knowing about our ‘superhero’ status. We live and train these double lives, often with family, friend or work commitments that professional athletes may not have to deal with. Undeterred by these challenges we show that with determination, hard work can overcome adversity, belief can self-efficate our own abilities and push us farther than we ever dreamed of, and a little motivation can move mountains….well maybe not literally…
So this blog goes out to all my fellow age-groupers, some of which aspire to and may become professional, others content with the challenging ‘superhero’ lifestyle, either way, this is for you. You know who you are; you are special, motivating, hard working, influential, empowering, dedicated…you are superhuman.
Swim, Bike, Run. Believe.
I have never known ten days to pass so quickly. I write this on my journey back across the Atlantic to Las Vegas, my second home. I returned to the UK for the first time in nearly a year around ten days ago. After a brief visit in London to see my brother, I headed on up to Bonnie Scotland with plans of good scottish hill running, cycling through the north-east’s challenging terrain and catching up with my old Saturday swimming group; however, plans did not go quite this way. I stepped off the plane in Aberdeen to ice cold wind, snow and gales. When I asked my Mum if she could think of a good 50-60mile route to cycle the next day, her knowing giggle kind of said it all – I spent the next day (or nearly three hours of the next day) on a bike…but attached to a turbo trainer in a shed beside the garage. Home sweet home, eh. Alas, I was not about to let the weather ruin my trip home. I spent the preceding 7days driving around the Aberdeenshire countryside visiting family, catching up with friends and in a local gym. Perhaps a blessing in disguise, as I guess some good quality sleep, rest and recuperation will have done a world of good. The introduction to Gin and Tonic was perhaps slightly counter productive, but one night of drinking every so often has to be healthy – or at least a healthy reminder of how terrible it feels to be hungover, nonetheless I had a wonderful time with good friends and close family.
My return home coincided with the Garioch 10k, a local running race which last year I had won, with a PB of 39:09. Not a record breaking time or a terribly fast field but, my having been invited to race as an ‘elite’ athlete, people were asking the inevitable, “so, do you think you’ll win again?”, em, probably not but I’ll give it a good go. This might seem negative to say but the field was very strong with runners who perform sub-35minute 10k’s – something I only dream of at the moment. With doubts that the race would go ahead at all, all I could do was try to remain calm, focused, and just do my best.
Race day morning was freezing but the scottish lass in me decided to wear shorts anyway.
The ice cold wind was strong slowing down the field marginally, and making any hope of a personal best time very difficult. I ran strong, but my mind wondered throughout, my muscles froze up around 4km and the constant mental battle of time vs position flooded my concentration. I finished in 6th female in 41:16 (time a rough guess-timate as the timing chips were unavailable unexpectedly on race day). I was disappointed with both my time and my position but after a little time had passed I accepted that it just wasn’t the best race….but it also wasn’t horrible….silver lining folks, silver lining.
Having actually taken an off season, there are certainly a few things I have gained:
- the ability to take away something good from a race, rather than only negative
- off-season weight….ugh
- a better ability to reflect
So, regardless of feeling like I’d had a bad race, I had to remind myself that I had not travelled home to achieve a new PB (although that would have been nice) and that what little time I had to catch up with friends and family, was too precious to spend dwelling on race results or outcomes.
This new year and new season accompanies a new me (to an extent) with a new outlook on life, a new optimism, new acceptance to things out with my control and hopefully clear eyes – that is a clear outlook, and not that I have any issues with my eyes… I have found some new training routes, new training partners that work in a little easier with my hectic schedule and what I always love….new shoes! (such a girl at heart really)
2013 roundup so far
Mardi Gras 10k – 41:34 1st Female Overall
Caveman 12k – 50:51 1st Female Overall
Garioch 10k – 41:16 6th Female Overall
Boulevard Road Race – 4th Cat4 (11th Female Cat3/4)
(Joined Colavita race team, still in sponsorship with Pro Cyclery)
2012 has easily been the most eventful year of my life not only in personal achievements but in sporting achievements also. And when I say sporting achievements, I’m not talking about Olympic medals or world records, I’m talking about something MUCH more than that…personal goals. You see you can be first in a race and be disappointed because you didn’t meet YOUR goal and similarly you can be 50th and be absolutely delighted because that personal goal, that milestone of achievement that you have worked so hard for has finally been met.
So 2012. I had been searching for that sub 40minute 10k for some time and who would believe I would achieve it on the first leg of a Duathlon: 39:45. A couple weeks later running a 10k alone back home, on a hilly course I achieved it again in 39:09. Absolutely delighted. Milestone reached. Now onto attaining that sub-38….
Completed my first half marathon in June in Ventura, CA. Aimed for 1:30 but hoping for sub 1:35….achieved 1:26:45. DELIGHTED. Now to get that 1:25:00.
Completed my first half Ironman Triathlon. Time goal was for between 4:45-5:15. Achieved in 5:01. AMAZED and so delighted with result despite also getting heat stroke during the race and spending a considerable amount of time in the medical tent…
So why, when I started the year so well and so positively, have I finished the year with less than impressive results.
9/9/12 70.3 Triathlon: 5:38
17/11/12 10k race: 41:10
2/12/12 Half marathon: 1:37:54
Now each of these last three events may have indeed have had their own individual difficulties (HEAT, long hill, 40mph winds respectively) but still, after starting the year so well, I only feel like I’ve gone backwards and let myself down.
I know there are potentially many reasons for this and I know there is a lot I can do myself to fix issues I have had….still disappointing nonetheless.
So where from here. Well, right now I am looking to put one of the LONGEST seasons behind me (first potential reason for shitty recent results), and look forward to base training and easing off from high intensity training (second reason). I look forward to sleeping more (third reason) and eating a healthier, more nutritious diet (fourth reason), having recently switched to a dairy free (choice) in addition to Gluten free (medical) diet.
To end 2012 with some words of wisdom…founded from stupidity and experience….
- Your racing season should not span the majority of the year. Your body needs to rest and recover PROPERLY…. Choose a handful (no more than 5) of races that you want to do well in and focus on these. Don’t be afraid to turn down some events!
- LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. When you are stressed mentally you become stressed physically. If you miss one session its not the end of the world. Take the time to treat your body and mind with respect and it will reward you with better results come race day.
- Eat to Live don’t live to eat. Think about why you are eating whichever food you’re eating and what nutritious purpose it is serving you. Everything in moderation…
- SLEEP. Disruptive sleep patterns have a negative impact on your life. Don’t burn the candle at both ends and try to relax a good hour before attempting to sleep. Late night gym sessions = not ideal.
- Believe in your own physical and mental strength. When you believe you can be the greatest, great things will happen. If you allow yourself to become absorbed in self doubt, you will slowly succumb to the negativity, and your goals and dreams will fade into the distance. Be strong.
So as I write these ‘wise words’ I realise how late it is at night and that I must sleep. I hope this finds each of you in a better place at the end of 2012, or are you, like me, looking forward to a fresh start in 2013?
Goodnight America and Good morning Scotland
Pro Triathlete in the making…someday…
This is a post to let you know I have changed the address of the blog to:
Please follow my blog or update this in your bookmarks if you have it there 🙂